Confession on a screen
by Vanessa Joras
Summary: Bella is making a video confession, and is rambling about her life. Discover if it took a turn for the worst or for the best ? OS


**OS – Confessions on the screen**

Her face appears on the screen, she's in a large room. The French doors are closed behind her, outside only the dark sky. There's a lamp on the desk, bathing her in a white light, making her looks beautifully pale.

« Oh gosh, I look so awful… Well… I really need to get used to it, but I just don't seem to be able to. Hum… Hi. The date is September, 15th, 2008, here it's nine pm."

She chuckles and looks on her right then back at the screen.

"I'll just close the web camera's window and look at the desktop. I can't believe she has a picture of a vampire Brad Pitt as a screensaver. Okay, let's do this. I don't know how to begin, maybe I already did. Anyway, I'm here, so far from you. I have tons of things to say but I will try to do this quickly. I don't really believe everything myself, you know. It's so strange and I'm still wondering if I'm going to wake up in my old bed, then get down the stairs and see Charlie."

Her eyes are full of regrets now, she chases it away eventually.

"Has it been only a year? I feel like it was an eternity, although now, I begin to realize what eternity really means. I don't remember everything, sadly, but the most important things are forever in here."

She points her head and smiles, a little shy.

"A year's such a long time. That last year was long, cruel, merciless. It was full of emptiness, full of unanswered questions, full of sorrows and regrets, full of pain, all kind of pains. After you left, I cried for weeks until I was completely dry from the inside. At first, my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and the hole was so… so painful. But then my all body was dry, burned, empty. My eyes were so sad that at one point, they were as black as coal."

She's thinking something sad again.

"Was it only a year that I'm without you? My life was so perfect with you. It was full of joy, of possibilities, the road ahead of us was so straight and beautiful. Even the fact that you didn't want to change me couldn't bring clouds in our bright sky. Oh gosh, I sound just like any chick lit's novel. Fuck!"

She brings a hand in front of her mouth, she looks embarrassed but doesn't blush.

"A year ago, I was just bumped by the fact that I was eighteen and you were seventeen for the hundredth times."

She laughs at her own joke.

"Okay, also because I made a mess at my own birthday party. I told you all, I didn't want something special! I wish you'd listen to me back then, you and Alice for that matter. I was stupid but not as much as you might think. I knew deep down that danger was awaiting, but I didn't think that it would come from you, of all the dangerous people I've been told about. I was ready to face any obstacles as long as you were by my side."

She looks like she's angry and then sad.

"In spite of everything they told me, I've waited for you. I imagined you coming to Charlie's home, ringing the bell and stealing me away. I waited and cried, feeling like a trash bag most of the days, feeling like I was dead and sometimes wishing I was, indeed, dead. But then he came along and said things that made me believe that I wasn't dead. It was just so easy to lean on him, I've cheated on him in a way. I used him as a fix of a drug to give me the illusion that I wasn't done with everything."

She thinks about that guy, obviously with regrets but with some fondness too.

"Thanks to him, I screamed my pain away. I screamed to the ocean, to the trees, to the sky and even in front of your house. I screamed and it helped for a little while. And then he left too, he left without even trying to be fair to me, just like you. Is it a boy thing? Or a supernatural thing? I don't get it. How could you leave without being really sorry? Without listening to my pleads? Without even kissing me goodbye?"

She looks upset, she's avoiding to stare at the screen, and her eyes shift to that shade of black.

"I really was stupid, you know? I thought I could catch up with you but ended lost in the forest. I wanted to die there, literally. Have you thought about that day in the woods since? I bet you do, sometimes of course. I do too, even now, because it's one of the memories which are engraved in my mind, forever."

She exhales loudly, exaggeratedly loudly. Her hands slide in her hair, she looks so frustrated.

"Has it really been a year? I need to say this. I still need you, you were my everything and I wish you could be here, just to comfort me and help me get over you. Is this even possible? Laurent said that if we were true mates, you wouldn't be able to stay away a week from me. It's been a year today. I argued with him several times about that detail. Despite everything, what you did and said, I'm still so deeply in love with you. How come I still feel like that? He said that it was still in my blood, in my mind when I was changed. But fuck, it hurts even more now. Everything feels more powerful, and in my case, I only feel pain since he changed me. Sometimes, I just lie on the ground, close my eyes and pretend I'm dead. It helps a little."

She inspires a few times.

"You should know why I'm like you now. God, it's so pathetic, I hate those games. Laurent wanted to get revenge on his own. He trapped Victoria and got help from your distant family to kill her. She was so dumb by the way, or maybe Laurent was smart. And then, he tried to make me kill Irina because she was talking about marriage every day. She's alive, don't fret. He forgot he was the real monster and I chose to kill him instead of Irina, Kate helped me. Your cousins were civilized enough to keep me close and for the last four months, I live on their land. Obviously, I'm using their computer right now."

She looks behind her, stands and closes the drapes. The room gets darker, she looks satisfied but then, back on the chair, she seems to hesitate.

"It's been too long since I spoke to someone. I try to say the minimum, it's a habit I took after you left, because I always felt a sting in my throat and was afraid to burst in tears. I can't cry anymore but still, I feel that sensation. But not now. Now… I feel like I can talk hours. It's the first time that I allow myself to talk that much, I'm sure it's because I'm talking to you. Well, in a way. How come I'm not mad at you? Tanya said that I should be, that I should forget you! But then I heard Kate saying she was acting out of jealousy. Tanya wasn't your mate, though, so why does she care at all? Is she that venal? She looks like a demon to me, since that day, and it was the day we met. She's the new villain in my story."

She seems really serious about that statement.

"Kate told me they were a thousand years old or so. It's such a shame they're still not mated. It makes this theory more absurd. True, vampire love is eternal, forever feverish and absolute. But how come you can't just click with someone and decide this is it? It looks like that for the humans."

Annoyed, she continues.

"I really should be mad at you for one thing, you know. You made me addictive to love, to you. I feel so pathetic. I'm not your mate but I so want to be. You probably don't want to hear more about that… I accept this life because of my memories of you. But when I'll be in control, I'll do like Carlisle, I'll try to help humans. That's why I don't want to be a savage, like Victoria. I want to see the world and watch history being made. I wish I was transformed as early as you. I want to know everything. I might not recognize a historical event when it will take place. I guess… Fuck, they're back already? She promised I'll have all night!"

She's already in front of the windows and stares outside.

"Stupid Tanya!" she whispers.

Then she sits back at her place in front of the screen.

"Yeah I know you can hear!" she says louder, her eyes rolling.

"I guess I should cut it short now. How could I conclude this pathetic attempt to talk to you? I wanted to write a letter but then figured you wouldn't believe I was a vampire if you didn't see my red bloody eyes."

She laughs bitterly, clicks on the taskbar, staring at the bottom of the screen.

"Fuck, they're still so bright bloody red. I look like a creep and strangely enough, I think you must have looked hot as hell when you became a vampire. I wish I met you before you got so wise and so good at lying."

She mimics frustration, she smiles then, although sadly.

"You know, I have a theory of my own about what you did to me. But I was able to think about it only after being changed, and fed. How could you stand to be so close to me is beyond me, since I can't stand at ten feet from an animal and not devour it? Well, more like drink it. So, to go back to my theory, it took me a week to be able to focus on something else than blood. And then I thought of you, and as I said, I was with Laurent at that time, and we argued about you. So… I think that you loved me too much, so you left me."

She looks thoughtful and waiting at the same time, as if she was expecting a reaction.

"And of course, I could be wrong and it could be just what you said to me in the woods. But you told me so many times that you loved me before that, you said I was all your life. I remember, early in our relationship, you said you were too selfish to stay away from me. But if you were strong enough, you'd leave, for my own sake. How could I forget that when you broke up with me in the woods?"

"I know he lied!" she suddenly yells to someone behind her, but she's alone in the room.

"Please prove to me that you lied to me just this once, that you spoke the truth before, that you loved me then. I can't hope for you to still love me now that I'm a soulless monster. But for my peace of mind, tell me you loved me. Once upon a time. A year ago, when I was still seventeen, like you but not like you."

She drops her head, it takes her a full minute to raise it again and face the screen.

"What happened to me, Edward? Fuck, I said your name! It's the first time since you left!"

She looks happy and relieved.

"Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. I dreamt you were mine. But I can't dream anymore. Is this your fault? Am I a vampire because of you? Laurent said yes, and I can see the logic in that statement. But I got what I wished, just a little too late. I wanted your teeth in my flesh, just like you did to save me once. I wanted your venom to change me. I wanted everything from you. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. I wanted to be yours forever, and I'm yours and always be but not with you. How is it fair to me? I've lost everything, you and then my family, but mostly you. You, my love... You called me that several times, I never called you something else than by your beautiful name. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Will I ever stop now that I've started?"

She smiles brightly and says the name again, like she's tasting the most delicious blood ever.

"I've decided to wait for you, here, in Alaska, but only for ten years. It seems such a long time, but they said that next month I'll feel differently about time. I can't imagine staying that long waiting but you're worth it, and it's just in the case that they can't find you sooner. If you get this video tomorrow, just let me know if there's still a chance for us. Now that we're the same temperature, now that I'm strong enough for you to kiss me properly, now that I don't have to sleep and ridicule myself sleep talking."

She's biting her lip, then her thumb and when she realizes what she shows of herself, she becomes still.

"Do you know me at all? Haven't I proved to you that I wasn't a typical teenager? I'm in love with you since last year, I'll love for a thousand more. What about you? Did you lie? Do you love me?"

She doesn't want to talk anymore, but she murmurs Edward several times again.

"Goodbye, my love."

The screen goes black and I'm fighting against myself. I want, need, to see her again, right now. But I have to travel a whole continent to get back to her. How could I be so stupid? I've let her face my enemies and while I run to Brazil. I'm such a coward. How can I be so happy when she's so sad? But I'm going to make her happy, as happy as I will be forever with her.

I watch her again, for the first time I regret being so away from technology, I'm watching her on an old computer in a train station, in Rio de Janeiro. I'm surrounded by hundreds of loud people. I smile so much at her beautiful face, she's gorgeous, even with her bright bloody eyes. And she's the one who's hot as hell.

I then send an email to my father, since my phone is out of battery. Alice answers me first. Unfortunately, I don't have my passport with me, I just took my phone and charger when I left. I can either wait for one of them to come and get me, or run for a day and a half. But if I run, I won't see and listen to her confessions. But if I wait for someone to take me to her, I'll have to wait three days, Alice said.

I hit play one last time, when the video is over, I go running towards my love faster than I ever run before.

 _Hope you liked it!_


End file.
